the odds have built up of the chance you're going down
'cos you're looking pretty guilty in the court of the crown
and my friend's getting eager to complete this mission
it's better all round just to sign the confession
doesn't matter if you're innocent or guilty as hell
my friend's got a feeling that you're feeling unwell
who cares about the truth the truth's there to bend
do as i say i'm your only friend
the wicked step father that took a step farther
played the patron saint in his shining armour
with his sword of power and shield to protect you
tongue hanging out 'cos he's going to get you
you know i want to hug you you know i want to kiss you
i't's your dear old pop and you know i really miss you
in the pantomime of life look out he's behind you
says no i'm just here to remind you
best friend i'm all that you've got
pretend best friend if you like it or not
pretend best friend so don't talk to them
you've got to talk to me 'cos i'm your best friend
call yourself a friend
that drives me round the bend
you call me when you like
and call me what you like
was it the father or the son or the holy ghost
the butler in the kitchen or the gameshow host
the policeman on the corner who'll show you the way
the geezer with a beard comes on xmas day
could be your mother or your father or your sister or your brother
doesn't matter who it is they'll say there ain't no other
might never see 'em or you meet them every day
but who gives a damn when you hear them say
best friend i'm all that you've got
pretend best friend if you like it or not
pretend best friend so don't talk to them
you've got to talk to me 'cos i'm your best friend