Billy The Mountain Lyrics by Frank Zappa

Billy The Mountain Lyrics

    Mark volman (lead vocals)
    Howard kaylan (lead vocals)
    Ian underwood (woodwinds, keyboards, vocals)
    Aynsley dunbar (drums)
    Don preston (keyboards, mini-moog)
    Jim pons (bass, vocals)

    Billy the mountain
    Billy the mountain
    A regular picturesque
    Postcardy mountain
    Residing between lovely
    Rosamond and gorman
    With his stunning wife ethel
    A tree, a tree.

    Billy was a mountain
    Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
    Billy was a mountain
    Billy was a mountain
    Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
    Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
    ( hey, hey, hey! )
    Billy had two big
    Caves for eyes
    With a cliff for a jaw
    That would go up or down
    And whenever it did
    He'd puff out some dust
    And hack up a boulder, hack.
    Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
    Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
    Hack up a boulder.

    Now, one day, and i believe it was on tuesday, a man in checkered double-knit suit drove up in large el dorado cadillac leased from bob spreene ( "where the freeways meet in downey!" )
    He laid a huge bulging envelope right at the corner of billy the mountain, that was right where his foot was supposed to be. now billy the mountain, he couldn't believe it: all those postcards h
    Osed for, for all of those years, and finally, now at last, his royalties! "royalties, royalties, royalties! the royalty check is in, honey!" ... yes, billy the mountain was rich! yes,
    His eyeball caves, they widened in amazement... and his jaw, which was a cliff, well it ... it dropped thirty feet! a bunch of dust puffed out ... rocks and boulders hacked up, hack! hack! ... c
    Ng the lincoln ...

    I gave him the money
    He acted real funny
    He hacked up a rock and
    It totaled my car
    Oh do you
    Know any trucks
    Might be bound for the valley
    I don't wanna stand here
    All night in this bar
    ( dear lord )
    I don't wanna stand here
    All night in this bar
    ( no shit )
    I don't wanna stand here
    All night in this bar

    By two o'clock, when bars had already closed down, billy had broken the big news to ethel, ahhhh, and with dust and boulders everywhere, billy, choked with exitement, announced: "ethel, we'
    Ing on a vacation!"... yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh, and ethel, ethel, ethel, like any little woman, she of course was very excited ... she creaked a little bit, and some old
    Flew off of her. billy told ethel they were going to... yes, they where going to new york! "ethel, we're going to... new york! but first they were gonna stop in las vegas...

    "it's off to las vegas to check out the lounges,
    Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh ethel,
    Ethel, my darling, you know that i love you,
    I'm glad we could have a vacation this year,
    Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."

    They left that night, crunchin' across the mojave desert, their voices echoing thru the canyons of your minds... "ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee? howard johnson's, ahhh there's a howard jo
    's! ... wanna eat some clams? ...

    The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was edwards air force base. and to this very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in reverent whispers about that fateful
    T when test stand number one and the rocket sled itself got lunched, i said lunched, by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife ...

    "word just in to the kttv news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and payoffs as part of san joaquin valley smut ring. however, we can assure parents in the s
    Rn california area that a recent narcotic crackdown in torrence ... hawthorne ... lomita ... westchester ... playa del rey ... santa monica ... tujunga ... sunland ... san fernando ... pacoima .
    Lmar ... newhall ... canoga park ... palmdale ... glendale ... irwindale ... rolling hills ... granada hills ... shadow hills ... cheviot hills ... will provide the secret evidence the palmdale
    Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictement and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inlan
    Ire ..."

    Within the week, jerry lewis had hosted a telethon ( la la la nice lady ) to raise funds for the injured, "injured", and homeless, "homeless" in glendale, as billy had just l
    Ed it. and a few miles right outside of town billy caused a 'oh mine/my(?) papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps, right near the jack in the box on glenoaks where t
    Eep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete germs bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through ... yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little howard kaplan was sitting on hi
    Ch ( "toto...!") just playing ( "come here, toto ...!") and having a nice time with his little accordion, ("toto...!") and this weird wind came up, direct from glen
    Blowing those terrible germs in his direction ... and all this caused by huge mountain ("aunty em") somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, sucking up two-thirds of it ( suck, suc
    Ck) for an ultimetly dispersal over vast stretches of ... watts!!!

    Now, unless i misunderstood, it was right outside of columbus, ohio when billy received his notice to report for his induction physical. now lemme tell ya, ethel said, now ethel, ethel said she
    T gonna let him go ... "i'm not gonna let you go, billy" ... that's right, we now have confirmed reports from an informed orange county minister that ethel is still an active communist
    It is this reporter's opinion that she also practices covent witch-craft ...

    It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save america herself. an
    Sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not chief redden. this one man was studebacher hoch, fantastic new super hero of the current economic slump. now, some folks say he looked like zubin meh
    Ubin mehta); still others say "bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies at boney's market..."; still others say "pshaw/
    (?), and piss on you, jack, he's just a crazy iatlian who drove a red car ..." you see, nobody ever really knew for sure because studebacher was sooooo mysterious ....

    He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
    He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
    'cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks
    And marvelouse beyond compute
    You can never really tell about a guy like that
    Whether he's really a nice person
    Or if he just smiles a lot
    Or if he has a son named pinocchio or what.
    Whether he's really a nice person
    Or if he has a son named pinocchio or what.
    Some men say he could fly
    Some men say he could swim
    Others say he could sing like neil sedaka,
    And all the girls in flushing would be amazed of him
    Two, three amazed of him ... amazed ...

    Time passed. january, february, march, july, wednesdey, august, irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon, sunday, monday, funny cars, walnuts, city of industry, big john masamanian ... so when the
    E ring in the secret briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a dudley do-right wristwatch and flexy braclet grabbed it and answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "so... ah... yeah, yeah
    Already ... what? ... well, yeah? ... ah-are you kidding? ... you're not kidding ... a mountain ... with a tree growing off of its shoulder? aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way,
    Re you go on; did you get those white albums i sent ya with the pencil on the front, yeah? yeah, you should move some of those for me ... we're having a lot of,...listen, so kiss little jakee on
    Head... and how's your wife's hemorrhoids?...ah, that's too bad...listen...so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing...well, let me write this down... sorta take a few notes here...
    ...to el segundo, huh?...causing

    Untold destruction..( my baby, my baby )...wanted for draft evasion?... an expense account? ... and per diem, too?..."

    Some men say he could dance
    They said he could dance
    And of course they were right ...

    Ladies and gentelmen, this is it: the studebacher hoch dancing lesson & cosmic prayer for guidence, featuring aynsley dunbar! ... hit it! ...
    Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, fillmore ...
    Hey, right hand from a heart
    Left hand from a heart
    Right hand from a heart
    Left hand from a left shoulder
    To the heart. fillmore, fillmore ...
    Nobody can dance like studebacher hoch ...
    So many rumors have spread about studebacher hoch ... consider this rumor which was published about three weeks ago in rolling stone ( oh, it's gotta be true! ) ... studebacher hoch can write th
    D's prayer on the head of a pin!" (no!) do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do ... ... i'm so hip ... beef pies ... he was born next to the beef pies, underneath joni mitchell's autographed pict
    Right beside elliot robert's big bank book, next to the boat where crosby flushed away all his stash and the cops got him in the boat and drove away, to the can where neil young slipped another
    ...

    [ frozen ??? pie
    Frozen ??? pie
    Frozen ??? pie
    And that was the main influence on him
    The influence of a frozen beef pie ]

    Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran a modeling school, whereupon he... yes, he ran around the back of the broadway at hollywood boulevard and vine to see if he could find him
    Some big, large, unused cardboard boxes ( no shit! )... after which he hit up the ralph's on sunset for some aunt jemima syrup, some kaiser boiler foil and pair of blunt sissors, yeah! ... yes,
    N the parking lot of ralph's ... where no prices are lower prices than ralph's... in the parking lot of ralph's, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out some
    Y, really, really nice wings and he covered them thoroughly with foil ...

    Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth ..yes,yes!! and then he shut the fucking door! ... and he pulled down his blue denim po
    An-type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of aunt jemima maple syrup all over the inside of his legs! ... soon the booth was filling with flies ( help me! help me! help me! ) ... he held
    The legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in, and when each and every one of those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he be
    Er and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, ron-hubbard-type voice: "new york"... and the booth and everything lifted up, out of parking lot, and i
    He sky.

    Studebacher hoch
    Yeah, yeah,
    Studebacher hoch
    Studebacher hoch
    Studebacher hoch
    Yeah, yeah,
    Studebacher hoch
    Studebacher hoch
    He's coating his legs
    With aunt jemima syrup up and down
    His shorts will be filled with flies
    That will be buzzing all around
    Studebacher hoch is really outa sight
    Studebacher hoch, he does it every night
    Studebacher hoch, he treats the flies all right
    Studebacher hoch
    That's why they never bite, hey!

    Hey please to new york
    Fly to new york

    He could be a dog
    Or a frog
    Or a lesbian queen
    (fly to new york)
    He could be a narc
    Or a lady marine
    Or he might play dirty
    He's over thirty
    Getting old ...
    I don't know
    His peculiar attire
    And the flies he requires
    Keep leading him on
    'cuz ethel is gone
    They keep leading him on
    'cuz ethel is gone
    And the mountain she's on

    And speaking of mountains - - we'll join studebacher hoch on the edge of billy the mountain's mouth .. take it away! ...

    "ah ... ya, ya, ya, hey-ah, billy, listen ... i've come to reason with you ... our great country needs you in the armed forces ... your number came up ... ya can't go on running like this f
    R ..."

    Ah, but ethel just shook her twigs angrily. but studebacher hoch, calm, cool, collected and unperturbed, continued:

    "ya, well listen ... listen you communist sonofabitch ... you better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical or i'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending ne
    Sey marsh reclamation ... and your girlfiend there will wind up disguised as series of brooms, primative ironing boards or a dog house ... get the ( cough, cough) get the picture?"

    Ya, well billy just laughed:

    "ha, ha, ha. if they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy."

    Unfortunately, because studebacher hoch was standing on the edge of billy the mountain's mouth when the giant mountain laughed ... studebacher hoch lost his footing and fell screaming, two hundr
    Et into the rubble below ... ( "aaahhhhh, oh fuck, i'm gonna need a truss ...")

    Ah listen, that only goes to show you
    And it'l show you once again that
    A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
    You don't wanna fuck with
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck with billy, no
    And don't fuck with ethel
    You saw what just happened
    To the guy with the flies

    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    Don't fuck around
    With biddilly, biddilly
    Biddilly the mountain

    Eddie, are you kidding?
    Eddie, are you kidding?
    Oh i forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission.
    We will see you in a few minutes
    Thank you, we'll be back.

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